For many years, i have served Sadists and was even labeled a pain slut (Miss Eve would NEVER believe this…..). By the definition of a masochist, i thought i was one or becoming a better one.
a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object — compare sadism
pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering
But, even after all these years, i’ve realized that i am not really a masochist. Granted, i’ve taken a LOT of pain over the years (Miss Eve just doesn’t believe this…) and, i’m sure, with practice and enough time, i can match what i was able to take at one time. As i’ve stated to anyone who listens, i used to take pain for pain’s sake. The purpose was to be at the mercy of the Mistress so She can get whatever enjoyment She wanted. It was also an ego thing. If i can take all that She can give, then i have served my purpose! i was taught as a young submissive that my purpose is to please the Dominant. It just so happens that i was always around a group of proud Sadists. They took pleasure in causing pain and whenever i was around, being the houseboy/personal submissive, if They chose to ‘hurt’ me, it was my duty to be ‘hurt’ by Them. It got to a point that i started to relish the play because it made my tolerance higher. Especially since i was at the dungeon at least 5 days in any given week, if not every day. Now that i think about it, damn that was a lot of pain!
This was the reason i labeled myself a ‘lite’ masochist. i had to learn the hard way that telling a Sadist that you are a masochist, can get you in trouble. Different Women wielded Their power and/or sadism in different ways. i liked when i was able to endure most of the ‘play’ i was receiving, but, cringed at the discomfort some of it caused.
i’m more of an intensity junkie. For me, it wasn’t really about the pain, but more so the intensity behind the pain. The activity at hand. The way the Domme would get enjoyment out of causing me pain. No, i’ve NEVER liked pain, but i was taught to absorb it and that i became good at. This was probably the reason most of the Dommes labeled me a masochist. There was a misconception of me enjoying the pain. No, when i did happen to smile, is was simply because i survived it. i was able to walk, maybe limp away. It made me feel good knowing i didn’t punk out or use a safe word (Now, i KNOW that this sentence will get me in trouble because Miss Eve is reading this…. smh). Yet, the actual enjoyment came from the intensity of the scene because i can feel the vibe from a Sadist’s actions. i do NOT enjoy pain, but, i am willing to suffer if it makes Her happy.
So, for the record, after discussing this with Miss Eve the other night, i finally realized that i am not nor do i want to become a masochist. Simply because, i don’t take pleasure in the pain. The pleasure comes in ‘being abused or dominated’ and i will do so for Miss Eve….
i ask all of you reading this to deny ever seeing these words because i am sure Miss Eve will want witnesses and i WILL deny ever writing this!!!!